midwest refugee

“Recovering marijuana addict” gets pulled over for making a sandwich while driving

Wauwatosa, Wis. — It’s half past nine on the evening of September 12 and there’s a reckless driver is on the road.

Likely drunk, the car is swerving between lanes, nearly hitting other cars, and is failing to signal when turning. Given the driving habits of the average Wisconsinite, this should come at little to no shock.

What may be surprising, however, was what was police discovered upon approachingthe vehicle.

When the officer who finally pulled the car over approached the car, he realized that the 24-year-old driver wasn’t necessarily drunk as he had originally assumed — he was busy making a sandwich.

Yes, that’s right — this guy was making a fucking sandwich behind the wheel. He had a loaf of bread, some cheese, and packages of salami all laid out on his passenger seat and was obviously paying more attention to his culinary activities than not crashing his car.

When asked, the driver said he had gotten into a fight with his mother and was “just driving around.”

Hey mama’s boy, binge eat, much?

So the guy’s pulled over at the side of the road for preparing food while driving, when he starts confessing a bunch of shit he probably shouldn’t have. Like that he’s a recovering marijuana and oxycodone addict. 

Because that’s always a good thing to willingly admit to police when your sobriety is in question.

And even though our recovering reefer-addict denied using drugs that day, he felt it necessary to come clean about his alcohol use.

He reportedly admitted to the cops that he had consumed between six to ten vodka drinks earlier that morning.

Six to ten vodka drinks? Is that all??

Geez chatterbox, let us know when you have something of interest to confess next time you’re pulled over for erratic driving.

Even though his blood alcohol content was reportedly only 0.05%, he was arrested anyway.

And everyone lived happily ever after. Or something to that effect.

(Source: wauwatosanow.com)

Police accuse Frankenstein of ‘disorderly conduct while intoxicated’ at Toby Keith concert

CINCINNATI, Aug. 29 — A man named Forrest V. Frankenstein Jr. was arrested at a Riverbend’s Toby Keith concert late last month for being hammered and threatening police.

In his drunken stupor, Frankenstein apparently decided that it would be a capital idea to make a little polite conversation with some officers of the law during the show.

“If I had a knife I would stab you,” he slurred at some cops. Allegedly. Over and over until they arrested him for disorderly conduct.

Wait! It gets better…

So the cops cuff him and throw him into a cruiser. But apparently they forgot who they were dealing with, and that a mere cruiser wasn’t going to be able to contain fucking Frankenstein.

So obviously, when he kicked through one of the rear windows of the squad car, the police were a little surprised.

They then moved Frankenstein to another cruiser where, police reported, he banged his face into the partition again and again, which is where I’m assuming he got that heinous scar on his forehead.

After that, he was taken to the hospital where he continued to make a fuss and threaten anyone he laid his eyes on.

Typical Frankenstein shit! Oh man, when will that monster learn?

Hmm, this looks familiar.

• Passed out on the ground…CHECK!
• Neck craned in a super-awkward position that’s sure to hurt for days…CHECK!
• Surrounded by empty beer cans…CHECK!
• Pants off, legs spread wide…CHECK!
• Likely peed myself…CHECK!

The only difference I see is the fact that when the toddler does any of those things, it’s adorable and completely appropriate.

But when I wake up somewhere all discombobulated, in a pile of empties with just my t-shirt and my diaper really, really sexy panties on, my mom freaks out and I’m supposed to go to an A.A. meeting.

Double standards are a bitch.

ETTRICK, Wis. (AP) — A 23-year-old woman was in an haywagon accident Sunday. She apparently fell off the hayride, whereby the wagon rolled directly over her, leaving her with life-threatening leg and head injuries.

Not surprisingly, investigators think booze may have been a contributing factor to the accident.

For those unfamiliar with the hayride, it’s a custom that children and rednecks do to pass the time, mainly because they’ve exhausted all other possible ideas.

Hayrides are an activity generally reserved for autumn, where happy, friendly neighbors and classmates sit on blocks of hay in a flatbed, and are pulled around behind a tractor for a while. (See photo above for more information.)

A hayride generally lasts until it gets dark outside, the temperature starts dropping, or a drunk chick falls off the wagon.

HEY MILWAUKEE — Put on your party shoes because the little oompa loompa herself, Miz Snooki Snickers of MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’ is comin’ to town!

What?? Don’t judge me! I saw that eye-roll…

You secretly love ‘Jersey Shore.’ We all know you get just as excited as the rest of us when Thursday nights roll around. Or when you’re home alone and you look over at the clock only to realize you’ve “accidentally” watched a six hour ‘Jersey Shore’ marathon. Again.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Whatever - Listen, I don’t have time to defend the popularity of those jerk offs. The ratings speak for themselves.

So when this pint-sized category 5 shit storm named Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi rolls into town on some unsuspecting Friday in September for her scheduled appearance at Suite on downtown Milwaukee’s Old World 3rd Street, please, for the love of everything that is holy, bring in your children, lock up your liquor, and get your ass down into that tornado shelter!

That is, of course, unless you’re Snooki’s type of man - a “juice-head gorilla” - in which case you should feel free to roam that concrete jungle at your own risk. (For those of you scratching your heads right now, the aforementioned keyword juice-head gorilla carries a two-pronged meaning: (1) It refers to a person who juices, or uses steroids to build body mass, and (2) A man whose upper body is so large with defined muscle mass that his body shape mimics that of a gorilla.)

But be careful out there, Milwaukee - because she may be small, but the girl can drink. Not to mention take a solid backhand to the face. Am I right, fellas?

The undisclosed Friday date will be released shortly, with 200 advance tickets for her visit available starting at 10 a.m. on Sept. 7 by phone (414) 270-9653 or e-mail to party@suitemilwaukee.com.

Hm…I found this bumper sticker online today.

And although hilarious, I somehow doubt the Milwaukee Bucks endorse this slogan.

But I think I speak for most Milwaukeeans alcoholics when I say that it’d be a lot cooler if they did.

Life’s too short, and Milwaukee power couple John and Adrienne Grunau don’t want any regrets.

Which is why they’ve decided to follow one of their passions: Winemaking.

John, the son of Milwaukee economic development heavyweight father Gary Grunau, joined the Grunau Company after achieving a degree in Economics at the University of New Mexico.

…And now he’s making wine!

That’s awesome.

Congrats and many thanks to John and Adrienne for helping to keep Milwaukee sauced for generations to come.

Yep…that looks about right.

(I almost captioned this photo as “Baby’s first Pibber” but from the looks of it, this is not baby’s first time at the rodeo, if ya know what I mean.)

On Wisconsin’s lax drunk driving laws:

“We’re still the only state that doesn’t criminalize [for DUI] the first offense.”

- MADD State Council Leadership Chair John Vose