Blue Moon ice cream remains a mystery

Hey. What the FUCK is in Blue Moon ice cream? You know, that random flavor only found in Wisconsin, Michigan, and sometimes Minnesota.

I love that shit, and I forgot it existed until it popped up in my Google Alerts the other day.

Anyone know what Blue Moon is supposed to taste like?

Funny Midwestern state laws

Wisconsin: Livestock have the right-of-way on public roads. Sounds about right.

South Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. Hold on, they make cheese in South Dakota???

North Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. Or else you’ll get drawn on with a Sharpie.

Ohio: It is illegal to get a fish drunk. Apparently drunken fish is a serious issue in Ohio.

Nebraska: It is illegal to go whale fishing. In Nebraska. Whale fishing. Nebraska.

Minnesota: A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. I don’t even know what to say to that one.

Michigan: A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. Obviously.

Iowa: A man with a mustache may not kiss a woman in public. Got that, hipsters?

Indiana: Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. Oh.

Illinois: The English language may not be spoken. Um.

Anyone else think Lake Michigan looks like a big navy blue penis, or is it just me.

Football fan puts off surgery for MSU game

And you call yourself die-hard!

Michigan State fan Major Hester, 69, who suffers from cardiomyopathy (weakening of the heart) is scheduled for heart surgery this coming Saturday but apparently felt it necessary to delay the surgery so as not to miss the football game against rival University of Michigan.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Now, I know some of you aren’t shocked. You probably live in the Midwest.

Hester is reportedly postponing his heart surgery from Saturday to next week because he didn’t want anything to happen in surgery that would cause him to miss the game of the season against Michigan.

Keep in mind that this is a guy whose heart is so weak he can’t even watch his games with the volume on because the crowd noise gets him too worked up.

Yeah.

Hester comments, “Whatever happens, I want to see the game.”

So let me get this straight…you have heart disease, you’re scheduled for heart surgery, watching football games are generally too exciting for your heart to handle, but you thought you’d postpone your heart surgery to watch one (potentially last) game against your rival team?

I think we’ve found the true definition of the “die-hard fan.”

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Five cows are still on the loose in western Michigan, after a truck that was supposed to bring them to Milwaukee crashed. 

Apparently 12 of the 26 cows escaped after their trailer was overturned early Wednesday morning on hwy 131 near Grand Rapids. The truck driver’s OK.

Authorities said the wayward cows climbed over guard-rails, causing at least one additional traffic accident.

The cops corralled 7 of the 12 runaway cows at first, which were heading from their Michigan farm to a slaughterhouse in Milwaukee.

Evidently cows are a lot smarter than we give them credit for because those ones knew to get the hell out of there.

The Michigan State Police say the missing cows will be euthanized once they’re found. 

What a heartwarming story.

Charles Woodson cannot be burned by receivers or flames

Bay Harbor, MI — NFL Defensive Player of the Year Charles Woodson avoided injury in a house fire over the weekend.

Late Friday night, Woodson and his business partner were at a private house party for some 150 donors to the University of Michigan hospital; eleven guests were invited to stay overnight after the party wound down. Around 4:00 AM Saturday morning, the Packers cornerback awoke to the smell smoke, but couldn’t find the source.

The fire department was called, but the multi-million dollar home eventually burned to the ground.

More than a dozen people were there but nobody was injured.

Congratulations are also in order for Luis Arias on his USA Boxing National Championships.

FYI boxing scares the shit out of me.

Luis Arias, 20, of Milwaukee just won his second title in the USA Boxing National Championships, and he had to defeat an old frienemy to get there.

He faced Jesse Hart of Northern Michigan University in the 165-pound final in Colorado Springs over the weekend.

Arias has won two of their three previous bouts. Snap.

165 lbs: Luis Arias, Milwaukee, Wisc., dec. Jesse Hart, Marquette, Mich., 9-8 (after Level 1 Tiebreaker 4-4)

If Milwaukee Brewer Yovani Gallardo is named to next season’s All-Star team again, the league better get a backup plan because our pitcher’s not going to play if the game’s in Arizona. Gallardo says that if the game remains in Arizona, he plans to protest the state’s new immigration laws by not playing.

“If the game is in Arizona, I will totally boycott,” Gallardo says.

Detroit Tigers reliever Jose Valverde is of a similar mind, calling the law “the stupidest thing you can ever have.”

“Us Latinos have contributed so much to this country,” Valverde told the Arizona Republic. “We get our hands dirty and do the work gringos don’t want to do.”

Evidently, there also is a petition going around in Anaheim where the All Star Game is behind held with 100,000+ signatures asking Commissioner Bud Selig (and former Milwaukeean) to move the 2011 game to a new, more tolerant location.

The original Beer Barrel Man talks shit and gets these silly little Detroit players drunk. At least, I think that’s what’s going on…

“You wait till my ‘Pitchers’ get to ‘Working’” reads the caption.

Um OK.

That’s what she said?

And here’s for your crazy Midwestern tattoo of the day…

“I’m moving to Milwaukee,” shouts Katie Hazlett of Ann Arbor Mich., as she dances with her friend Jose Toro of Kalamazoo, Mich., to 76 Juliet on Thursday at the Miller Lite Oasis.

OK Katie. I’ll believe that when I see it.