midwest refugee

Blue Moon ice cream remains a mystery

Hey. What the FUCK is in Blue Moon ice cream? You know, that random flavor only found in Wisconsin, Michigan, and sometimes Minnesota.

I love that shit, and I forgot it existed until it popped up in my Google Alerts the other day.

Anyone know what Blue Moon is supposed to taste like?

Funny Midwestern state laws

Wisconsin: Livestock have the right-of-way on public roads. Sounds about right.

South Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. Hold on, they make cheese in South Dakota???

North Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. Or else you’ll get drawn on with a Sharpie.

Ohio: It is illegal to get a fish drunk. Apparently drunken fish is a serious issue in Ohio.

Nebraska: It is illegal to go whale fishing. In Nebraska. Whale fishing. Nebraska.

Minnesota: A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. I don’t even know what to say to that one.

Michigan: A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. Obviously.

Iowa: A man with a mustache may not kiss a woman in public. Got that, hipsters?

Indiana: Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. Oh.

Illinois: The English language may not be spoken. Um.

Brett Favre and I both have injuries this week, which means we will likely be unable to perform at 100% come game day.

What a shame.

Difference is, I’m allowed painkillers.

Brett Favre vs. The World Bears: A Photo Essay

Here’s an adorable little collage I put together this morning of Wisconsin’s favorite ex-Packer and semi-hard penis texter at his game in Chicago over the weekend.

Try and see if you can pinpoint the exact moment his hopes and dreams for winning this game are crushed.

Franken to gay teens: “You’re good enough, smart enough, and doggone it - people like you!”

Minnesota senator Al Franken, who earlier this year introduced a bill explicitly addressing antigay bullying in public schools, actually had this to say about the recent number of gay teen suicides in the media:

“It’s clear that we need to do more to protect our students from bullying and harassment, and it’s time that we extend equal rights to LGBT students. No student should be subjected to discrimination and harassment in school, and we must tackle this problem at every level — local, state, and federal.”

Franken says that all these suicides are giving him even more incentive to get his federal Student Non-Discrimination Act passed.

Man, that is so…boss.

Thank God he got elected to office, even if it did take like a year and a half to count the ballots, and even if it is for the state of Minnesota.

Good one, clever Minnesotan football fan.

For those of you who can’t make out what this Craigslist ad says, allow me:

Wanted:

New Quarterback. Must be capable of keeping control of the ball and keeping up with the big boys.

No nude photos, please.

Get it?

Because Favre just got busted recently for sexts he sent to Maxim model Jenn Sterger two years ago.

And because the Vikings suck.

Harry Sydney’s take on Brett Favre

“Players and coaches will have arguments and disagreements, but you don’t go in your press conference after the game and throw your coach all the way under the bus and make the statement that guess what, ‘I’m more powerful than anybody.’  What message does that send?”

Brett Favre’s cock shots are leaked the Friday before the Vikes play the Jets for Monday Night Football.

Coincidence?!?!?!?!

I don’t believe in coincidences.

Terrell Owens comments on Randy Moss’ return to Minnesota:

“Randy has done a lot of things for that organization. He’s done a lot of things to propel (Tom) Brady to where he is. Trust me, I know Brady is a great quarterback, but if you look at the numbers he’s put up with Randy, they’re very, very impressive.

Geez. Tell us how you really feel about him, T.O.

And by “him” I obviously mean Tom Brady.

Because it sounds like you just paid New England’s pretty-boy quarterback an incredibly backhanded compliment back there.

But…um…yay for Randy Moss, right?

ESPN: Football fans think Adrian Peterson has better moves than a corpse

In an ESPN SportsNation poll asking whether Adrian Peterson or Michael Jackson has better moves, Adrian Peterson beat out the late, great Michael Jackson.

By a hair.

Let’s be honest, that’s not exactly something to put at the very top of your resume.

That you won the poll for best moves against…a dead guy. 

Remember back in August when the Minnesota Vikings’ Percy Harvin collapsed on the practice field during training camp? Yeah, well that was followed by a few minor seizures, and Harvin was hospitalized immediately.

While in the hospital overnight, Harvin’s heart stopped for ten seconds while he was sleeping, helping doctors realize that Harvin wasn’t getting enough oxygen during sleep.

Four days after he was released, Harvin underwent a sleep test, during which doctors saw his heart stop beating eight different times. He was diagnosed with sleep apnea, which doctors say is one of the main causes behind Harvin’s reoccurring migraines.

Harvin now sleeps while wearing a device that regulates his breathing. Sounds comfortable...NOT.

~

My more loyal readers might be wondering when the rude, sarcastic mockery of the Vikings, Harvin, or Minnesota are going begin. Because frankly, they’re not.

The reason being, migraines and sleep apnea are no joke. As a person who also suffers from debilitating migraines, I honestly can’t find any humor in a pain this severe.

So…let the crucifixion begin, people. Feel free to nominate me for Wet Blanket of the Month, if you must.

But just know that soon enough, the inevitable acid tongue will return and we all can, once again continue ridiculing the stupid Vikings and their feeble, traitor quarterback.

For now, however, let’s just hope Percy Harvin gets the treatment he needs so that he can learn to manage the indescribable pain he’s undoubtedly feeling this season.