HEY MILWAUKEE — Put on your party shoes because the little oompa loompa herself, Miz Snooki Snickers of MTV’s 'Jersey Shore' is comin’ to town!
What?? Don’t judge me! I saw that eye-roll…
You secretly love ‘Jersey Shore.’ We all know you get just as excited as the rest of us when Thursday nights roll around. Or when you’re home alone and you look over at the clock only to realize you’ve “accidentally” watched a six hour ‘Jersey Shore’ marathon. Again.
Or maybe that’s just me.
Whatever - Listen, I don’t have time to defend the popularity of those jerk offs. The ratings speak for themselves.
So when this pint-sized category 5 shit storm named Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi rolls into town on some unsuspecting Friday in September for her scheduled appearance at Suite on downtown Milwaukee’s Old World 3rd Street, please, for the love of everything that is holy, bring in your children, lock up your liquor, and get your ass down into that tornado shelter!
That is, of course, unless you’re Snooki’s type of man - a “juice-head gorilla” - in which case you should feel free to roam that concrete jungle at your own risk. (For those of you scratching your heads right now, the aforementioned keyword juice-head gorilla carries a two-pronged meaning: (1) It refers to a person who juices, or uses steroids to build body mass, and (2) A man whose upper body is so large with defined muscle mass that his body shape mimics that of a gorilla.)
But be careful out there, Milwaukee - because she may be small, but the girl can drink. Not to mention take a solid backhand to the face. Am I right, fellas?
The undisclosed Friday date will be released shortly, with 200 advance tickets for her visit available starting at 10 a.m. on Sept. 7 by phone (414) 270-9653 or e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.