midwest refugee

Funny Midwestern state laws

Wisconsin: Livestock have the right-of-way on public roads. Sounds about right.

South Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. Hold on, they make cheese in South Dakota???

North Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. Or else you’ll get drawn on with a Sharpie.

Ohio: It is illegal to get a fish drunk. Apparently drunken fish is a serious issue in Ohio.

Nebraska: It is illegal to go whale fishing. In Nebraska. Whale fishing. Nebraska.

Minnesota: A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. I don’t even know what to say to that one.

Michigan: A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. Obviously.

Iowa: A man with a mustache may not kiss a woman in public. Got that, hipsters?

Indiana: Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. Oh.

Illinois: The English language may not be spoken. Um.

Police accuse Frankenstein of ‘disorderly conduct while intoxicated’ at Toby Keith concert

CINCINNATI, Aug. 29 — A man named Forrest V. Frankenstein Jr. was arrested at a Riverbend’s Toby Keith concert late last month for being hammered and threatening police.

In his drunken stupor, Frankenstein apparently decided that it would be a capital idea to make a little polite conversation with some officers of the law during the show.

“If I had a knife I would stab you,” he slurred at some cops. Allegedly. Over and over until they arrested him for disorderly conduct.

Wait! It gets better…

So the cops cuff him and throw him into a cruiser. But apparently they forgot who they were dealing with, and that a mere cruiser wasn’t going to be able to contain fucking Frankenstein.

So obviously, when he kicked through one of the rear windows of the squad car, the police were a little surprised.

They then moved Frankenstein to another cruiser where, police reported, he banged his face into the partition again and again, which is where I’m assuming he got that heinous scar on his forehead.

After that, he was taken to the hospital where he continued to make a fuss and threaten anyone he laid his eyes on.

Typical Frankenstein shit! Oh man, when will that monster learn?

This is hard-rocker Marilyn Manson as he looks today, in real life.

OK, I realize that right now, you may be saying to yourself something to the effect of:

Why is she posting a photograph she obviously found on PerezHilton?

This doesn’t seem to fit in with the theme of this blog at all.

What a lazy bitch.

Well, my friends, you’d be surprised!

First off, let’s be honest, he looks kinda like a fat Wayne Campbell from Wayne’s World, which is pretty hilarious in itself.

Second, I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that the shock-rocker drew origins from the central U.S., and not one of the “radical” coasts. We refugees can smell each other out pretty quickly, and Manson’s stench hit me from miles away.

Turns out, 41 year-old Manson (born Brian Hugh Warner on January 5, 1969) is from a little town called Canton, Ohio, which is, for those of you who give a shit, kind of between Cleveland and Akron, but south just a bit, maybe an hour or so.

So I did a little background research* on Canton, and found some interesting information on the place, such as a list of some other notable people from Canton, OH, (notable Cantonese?) including:

• Macy Gray (R&B singer)
• James Oliver Huberty (committed a shooting spree in a McDonald’s)
• Reuben Klamer (Inventor of The Game of Life)
• Inhale Exhale (Christian metal band)
• William McKinley (25th U.S. President)
• Jeff Timmons (singer of 98 Degrees)
• Relient K (Christian rock band)

So do with that information what you will. I sure don’t have the patience to interpret it right now.

*And by “research” I mean I Wikipediaed it for like two minutes, max.

Milwaukeeans were pissed after Atlanta’s Jonny Venters plunked Prince Fielder in the back last week.

And apparently, our Brew Crew batters get hit by pitchers far more than anyone else in the National League.

LAME.

But in the opinion of Michael Hunt of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, there’s another way to look at the Venters/Fielder situation:

“As far as many around here are concerned, Venters might as well have earned his four-game suspension for, ahem, mistaking Adam Dunn’s shoulder blade for the inside of the plate.

Huh. Okay.

I would have said it’s because Fielder has been looking more and more like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers every time I see him, but hey, whadda I know? I’m not much of a golfer.

Chicago, Ill. - Chicagoans desperately trying to lure Lebron just a little farther north with promises of free beer.

DA Bullss.

(via fightoffyourdemon)

Milwaukee, Wis. - Well, apparently Akron, Ohio’s contribution to 80’s synth music is playing Summerfest tonight.

Yikes…I just hope Mark Mothersbaugh’s massive jowls don’t smack anybody in the face during the show.

And for this edition of “And You Thought YOUR Small Town Was Lame!” I take you to Ohio, where the story just keeps getting better and better.

A few things:

1. This “victim” sure was eager to admit to his local police that he was masturbating to porn alone in his basement, wasn’t he? 
2. Also, if you’re home alone, why do you have to beat off all the way down in your basement?
3. Regardless, this intruder comes in with a gun and a…camcorder, you say? Right…because every intruder wants to document his crime, right? Baby’s first robbery!
4. Impeccable timing by the “intruder,” might I add, to break in to the house just as Johnny Jackoff sits down for a nice jerk.
5. Then, after the “forced” at gunpoint masturbation, this so-called intruder decides to waste some perfectly good mushrooms on a dog? Again, logic prevails with this story.
6. And finally, the dog dies. So everyone wins.

Let me take a stab at what actually happened:

Two dudes are role playing; one is the homeowner, the other is the robber. They decide to videotape it. You know, because it’s so sexy.

Halfway through, one of the dudes remembers he accidentally left his mushrooms out on the table upstairs so they both run up, only to find the dog in a precarious state after having eaten them all up.

The other guy, Johnny Jackoff, flips out and calls the cops in a state of panic for his dog, and they are forced to make up this hilariously made-up story.

thedailywhat:

Act Of God of the Day: Solid Rock Church’s landmark 62-foot “Touchdown Jesus” statue (officially known as “King of Kings”) was struck by lightning around 11PM last night and promptly burned to the ground.

Discuss.

[cincinnati.]

And this whole time I thought Notre Dame was the only place with a Touchdown Jesus!