midwest refugee

When I see a Kohl’s Department Store, I’ll think of you

MILWAUKEE — At the spry young age of 76, Senator Herb Kohl announced his intent to retire from elected office today.

“I’ve always believed it is better to leave a job a little too early than a little too late,” Kohl said at a news conference at his Milwaukee office.

“The interest and energy I had for this job will find a new home,” he said.

Let’s hope that a retired Kohl, owner of the Milwaukee Bucks franchise since 1985, can harness that energy (or should I say, ‘Energee!’?) and focus it on getting the Bucks back to the playoffs next season.

Real World Season Four alum wins Congressional election in Wisconsin

Ashland, Wis. — Thirteen years ago, Sean Duffy was one of seven strangers picked to live in a house and have his life taped.

Soon enough, however, Duffy is going to start work in a different house. The House of Representatives.

Yikes.

I guess now we’re just supposed to just sit back and watch what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real?

Or something.

HEY WISCONSIN: Please make sure Feingold gets re-elected today.

Seriously.

I mean, look at him - I know that I’d definitely want my state’s Senator to be the guy that looks like if anyone were gonna play him in a movie, it would be Robert De Niro.

That’s a guy that gets things done. That’s a badass Senator.

Or, you could look at the facts, I guess. That is, the facts about Ron Johnson, a Wisconsin Senatorial candidate who loves dipping his balls into the mouths of other politicians in hopes of getting Obama fired, murdering puppies, and drilling for oil in the polar ice caps of Narnia, a land that only he can get to through a closet in his childhood lake house.*

*Some of these statements may or may not have been evaluated or verified by an actual source. But that doesn’t mean they’re not true.

~~

Ten Reasons to Vote AGAINST Ron Johnson today in Wisconsin:

1. His economic theory. It supports keeping the poor down in the gutters and boosting the rich up even higher than they already are.
2. He lies in his campaign ads. Try to contain your shock. He’s not a self-made man - his father-in-law gave him all the money he has today.
3. His condolence of sex offenders in the church. He doesn’t think churches should be held liable if they transfer a known sex offender to a new parish without telling anyone.
4. He’s sketchy. He’s constantly dodging the press and buys his supporters.
5. He would empower other Republicans. Another Republican in the Senate means Mitch McConnel and Jim Demint will have more power.
6. He opposes stem cell research. Which is a huge contributor to Wisconsin’s economy. Wisco is the freaking home of stem cell research in this country, and this guy is against it.
7. His objectionist philosophy. His number one political value is Economic value; and while that’s an important one, it shouldn’t trump all other values. Money isn’t everything.
8. His view on environmentalism and climate change. Wisconsin has some of the most beautiful landscapes in the nation and let’s elect someone who gives a shit.
9. His partisanship. He’s like Glenn Beck’s butt boy in some of his speeches, talking about liberals only like free speech if you are saying something they agree with. If Ron Johnson is so in favor of free speech and democratic debate, why won’t he clean the sand out of his vagina and do more interviews and agree with Russ Feingold’s request to have six debates? Douche.
10. His lack of understanding regarding the job description of Senator. You’re gonna have to do things like legislate trade agreements so that Wisconsin doesn’t get screwed, buddy. You’re gonna get your rich, white hands dirty. At least that’s what we’ll be expecting you to do.

So whatever you do, go out and vote. Unless you’re voting for Ron Johnson, in which case, move to Canada.

Happy Politicking!

Wis. congressional candidate Duffy uses ‘Real World’ reference in own campaign advertising

Former reality star Republican Sean Duffy is leading his Democratic incumbent in the polls right now in one northern Wisconsin race for state representative.

And apparently it may have something to do with some fifteen or so minutes of fame left over from his former life as a D-list MTV celebrity over ten years ago.

But hey - at least he knows it.

Wis. GOP candidate wins beer stein contest

Because in Wisconsin, it’s really the drinking contests that matter the most.

Former congressman Mark Neumann defeated three other contestants Thursday night in a stein-holding contest in Milwaukee, advancing him to the national competition in New York.

The contest requires competitors to hold a stein full of beer with their arm fully extended. Neumann made it about five minutes, saying he “definitely played to win.”

Evidently Feingold’s on some sort of Endangered Senators List, mainly because he doesn’t have as much personal wealth as his GOP challenger, Ron Johnson. Ya know, to run ads so that the people know who they’re supposed to vote for.

Bad news. Well…not really.

Turns out Johnson reported that Feingold was given between $100,000 and $315,000 in BP stock in his June 30 financial disclosure report, posted by WisPolitics (PDF).

Wait, you mean Russ Feingold?? The Democrat from Wisconsin we studied in history class who partnered up with Republican John McCain to create the Campaign Finance Reform Act to regulate against soft money contributions from big business to politicians? That guy?

But to be fair, Johnson owns stock in Exxon, so I’m not sure he’s any better off. Yes, Exxon. As in The Exxon/Valdez Oil Spill. BP aren’t the first guys to oil up some feathers.

The state dems are apparently countering Johnson’s attacks by calling on him to take any money he makes from stocks related to any Big Oil entities and direct it to helping the victims of the Gulf oil spill.

Oh snap! Called out.

I agree. If you’re accepting money from Big Oil too, you need to shut the fuck up. Or put your money where your mouth is. Ass.

This is Ieshuh Griffin. She’s an independent running for a downtown Milwaukee seat in the state Assembly.

And she really doesn’t want have to be the whiteman’s bitch.

Candidates are allowed to use up to five words to describe themselves on the ballot, and Griffin chose the words: “NOT the whiteman’s bitch!”

That slogan got nixed pretty quickly from the ballot…by a panel of white, retired Wisconsin judges. Their reasoning was that she used divisive language and a racial slur.

“It’s a freedom of expression,” countered Griffin. “It’s not racial. It’s not a slur.”

And to her credit - she was able to convince three of the five present judges that the wording should be allowed, talking them out of their initial decision on the spot.

Impressive.

But two of the judges still feel the wording is inappropriate. One judge was absent, though, and Griffin needed four (of six) votes to succeed. Griffin said she intends to seek an injunction in federal court.

If Ieshuh Griffin can pull this off and get her original wording on the ballot, that’ll speak volumes louder than any campaign slogan ever could.

Greta Van Susteren says she’d run for Governor of Wisconsin if she knew she’d win.

The Fox News host who’s originally from Appleton, Wisconsin told Politico in an interview that if she knew she could not fail, she’d definitely “run for Governor of Wisconsin.”

Yeah? And I’d totally kick Greta Van Susteren in the balls if I knew she definitely still had them.

WASHINGTON — Add Russ Feingold to the list of Senate Democrats who find themselves in unexpectedly tough races, the latest evidence of the GOP’s success in widening the playing field that President Barack Obama’s party has to defend.

The Wisconsin Democrat faces a wealthy political newcomer with early backing from tea party activists in a state that has many independent voters and is known for doing its own thing.

Feingold might lose to someone backed by those tea party jackoffs???

Hey Russ! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.